“I cannot grant thee passage, warrior! Tis not safe for mortal nor god!” There is a tone in his voice that gives me pause. He is pleading. It is unexpected.

    “Passage is not yours to give, Donar Oldmanson, but is mine to take. You are disarmed and helpless. Be grateful I let you live.” As I begin to board my vessel, a strange sensation comes over me. I feel as if I’m fading away, disappearing.

    Suddenly I am restored, but I find myself in strange surroundings. A woman, appearing to be of the same race of demon as I left behind in space, stands before me. Her garb is somewhat lacking. Next to her is some sort of robot, gleaming red and yellow.

    “Explain the meaning of this now!” I command, pointing the weapon I liberated at the woman.

    “Umm, you were supposed to be Donar,” she said as she removed an odd looking helmet that was smoldering from her head. “Lord Ultizon’s mind control is still interfering with my summonsing abilities. Back to the drawing board Enty.”

    “I don’t know what else I can come up with that will return your abilities without removing the mind control, Lisa. And we don’t want to remove the mind control,” said the robot, whom I begin to suspect of being another of this race of demon covered with a metal shell, perhaps cybernetically augmented as I am.

    “Definitely not. So, not-Donar, you got a name?” asks the woman. The nonchalance with which she addresses me is irksome, as if I am a mere inconvenience and not the most powerful warrior of the Equinites.

    “Tell me where I am,” I reply sternly. If I am lucky then this may be the planet I had planned on exploring and my time here won’t be entirely wasted.

    “You’re on planet Earth, domain of Lord Ultizon. You should know that, unless you are free of the master’s influence. We can’t have that, now can we? Enty?” The woman speaks and the armored one responds. I can hear weaponry powering up in his gauntlets. While the warrior within me wants to stand and fight, the scholar knows I should make my departure and investigate this world. Something is very wrong here.

    A blast of lightning from my club temporarily immobilizes the armored one known as ‘Enty’. As I smash through the ceiling to freedom I’m forced to remark at how I instinctively know how to use the weapon. Who would have thought that a stick could grant one flight?

    As I soar above the metropolis below me I observe the people below. They seem to be very orderly. Too orderly. From my vantage in the skies I can see that there is no random pattern to their individual movements. They all move as one. This along with the talk of mind control from the two I just left behind leads me to believe that all is not well on this planet.

    I return to my ship to find Donar waiting, once more astride his chariot. “I trust thou doth now see why I barred thy way? The people of Middlegard hath been enslaved, and I feared that thou wouldst suffer the same fate ere you touched down on yon planet.”

    “I saw that of which you speak. I apologize for my haste, but my situation is dire and my time limited,” I tell him. He eyes me warily, obviously uncomfortable with my wielding his weapon. For the time being he will have to remain uncomfortable, as I will not relinquish it easily after winning it in combat.

    “Then I pray thee listen well, and I shalt be brief. Middlegard, the planet that doth spin ‘neath us, hath been enslaved by a vile, evil presence known as Lord Ultizon. A pact ‘tween the Celestians and mine people, the Ausgardians, doth prevent my interference. Until the Lair Legion, boon comrades and doughty warriors of Middlegard, solve this crisis, I have reclaimed mine role as Guardian of Middlegard as best I can, by preventing the entrance of more mortals to yon planet to save them from Ultizon’s control. Hence my haste in our dealings, Gamma Ray Gary,” Donar explains. I can find only one flaw in his story.

    “Then why is it when I was transported to the planet’s surface I was unaffected, Oldmanson?” I challenge.

    Donar paused to consider this query.“Though I be not an expert in such matters, I would hazard that thine dual organic and machine make-up didst prevent the Celestian incursion ‘fore the nanintes infected thee. A grand stroke of the Fates indeed.” His words ring true, and I relax my guard.

    “I fear I have misjudged you, Donar Oldmanson. I would stay and help you in your battle against Lord Ultizon, but I fear that my people have need of me now, and always my first loyalty must be to them. I admit I am loathe to return this to you, for this weapon could in fact turn the tide in my struggle. However, I am an Equinite of honour, and I cannot deny a just man what is rightfully his.” I offer up the club to him, it resting lightly in my two outstretched hands. The Oldmanson reaches out and reclaims what is his. The power that flowed through me recedes, and I am left as I was before.

    “Ah, mighty Mjalcom, ‘tis good to feel thine weight in my hand again. But be not hasty, Gamma Ray Gary. There is little that the Oldmanson can do to aid his comrades at this time, but he can aid thy cause now. I bid thee join me in my home but briefly, and then I promise thee, I shalt join thee in thy cause and fight to my dying breath if need be.” The sincerity in his voice and the fire in his eyes are all it takes to convince me.

    “You do me a great honour. Let us be off so that we may return swiftly to my people’s aid,” I reply. “Show me the way that we may begin our voyage.”

    “Twill take but a moment my friend.” Donar begins to whirl Mjalcom above his head, and before long a swirling vortex opens before us. “Enter yon portal and behold the splendor of Emoh S’Ranod!”

    We pass through Donar’s portal and enter a grand hall with high ceilings and a very large monitor in the corner. Pictures of what I assume to be mighty warriors grace the walls, though I have to wonder at the blonde slip of a girl bearing nothing but a wooden stake. Perhaps her wooden weapon is enchanted as Mjalcom is.

    “Please, have a seat my friend. I hath need to take counsel with Ausgard’s temporary ruler, for I cannot leave Ausgard with the Oldman Force intact, and I fear my sibling Hoki wouldst attempt to take advantage of my absence. I will be but a moment.” Donar leaves the room, and I find myself standing in his hall alone.

    My gaze travels the walls, taking in trophy after trophy of Donar’s triumphs. He must indeed by a champion without equal to have amassed such a collection. My thoughts wander to Buttleskutt, and the fate of the fleet. I have full faith in my friend, but even a sentient starship such as he can only do so much against the alien forces chasing us. I hope to be by his side again soon.

    “All is well in Ausgard, friend Gary.” Donar’s voice startles me out of my reflections. “The Oldman Force is once more mine to command, and command it I shall.” Donar strides past me to a battered chest in the corner. He touches Mjalcom to it, and golden power surges forth to the chest. After a few moments the energy ceases and Donar hefts the lid. The ruler of Ausgard reaches in and pulls out another club similar to Mjalcom, including the sharp pike through the end.

    “Mine father had this weapon constructed for Harlagaz, mine son, for the day he proved himself worthy of its power. It is the equal of mine Mjalcom in every way. That day, however, is a far way off, and your need is now. When the day comes when mine son is ready, he shalt claim Mjalcom as his. On this day Gamma Ray Gary, my honourable and worthy friend, I bequeath this weapon to you.” Donar laid the weapon before me as I had earlier lain Mjalcom before him.

    “My friend, I cannot accept such a gift. Why do you place such power with a being you met but a scant time ago?” I am stunned at his generosity and faith. When he asked me to accompany him to Emoh S’Ranod, I had no idea it was to selflessly grant me the weapon that I so desperately need.

    “Thou art not the first aside the Oldmanson to wield Mjalcom, Gary. However, those that hath wielded it before art brave and longstanding comrades of mine. Thine own worthiness wast so great that Mjalcom saw thee fit to wield it without mine consent. Such an occurrence hast never happened before, and in most likelihood shalt not for a very long time. If thou wouldst accept the responsibility of such power, it shalt be yours. Seize thy destiny, Gamma Ray Gary.”

    I reach out and grasp the weapon before me. I can feel the power flowing through me again. It feels different this time, however. It feels like it is truly mine.

    “Come Donar Oldmanson, man who I would call brother! My people have need of us, and I long to be at their side!” I begin to open a dimensional rift myself, but Donar stops me.

    “Hold, Gary. Before we depart, thou must give thy new weapon a name. It is a part of thee, now and forever,” Donar advises. I think it silly to name my new weapon, but I cannot insult Donar by saying so. I examine its surface, thinking. There is an inscription on its side, and I use it for my inspiration.

    “Then let it be done. Let all enemies of Gamma Ray Gary fear the power of Ljouis!”

    “Well done, my friend,” says Donar, slapping me on the back. “We canst depart in a moment, but there art two things that must be done. Firstly, I must once again leave the Oldman Force with its temporary caretaker.” Donar being to search through various drawers in the room.

    “And the second?” I ask.

    “I must find yon labelmaker.”

To be continued…

Footnotes and Explanations
    You don’t really need to worry much about the continuity in this story. Basically, consider the whole of earth mind-controlled and as such the Lair Legion are out of commission for Gary and Donar’s purposes. Gary now has his own baseball bat with a nail in it, and has gained the powers of Donar. That’s about all you need to worry about. Just have fun with it.

For those of you who want to know where this fits in continuity, this story takes place back during the “Ultimate Ultizon” storyline, told back around Untold Tales Of The Lair Legion #116-121 by the Hooded Hood. The Cliff Notes version is this: a being known as Ultimate Ultizon, or Lord Ultizon as he prefers to be called, enslaves all of earth through a Celestian gene implanted in all life on earth (and the rest of the galaxy if I remember correctly) back at the dawn of creation, backed up by a secondary nanite (wee little microscopic robots that enter the body and are almost undetectable) infestation method. Almost all of earth’s heroes were taken over, but slowly but surely they recovered and stopped Ultizon, who was attempting to bring about the Resolution War.

    At this time, Donar was exiled in Ausgard as he could not leave without losing the Oldman Force, the power of the ruler of Ausgard. Were he to leave without “gifting” it to another, his brother/sister (it’s complicated) Hoki would make his claim to the throne, and that wouldn’t be a good thing. He tends to leave it with his wife, Queen Anj, these days when he leaves Ausgard, but as he was not yet married at this time he left it in the care of another, to be revealed later.

    The Celestians are big huge space robots that maintain the Parodyverse, and they were extremely influential in the forming of many races on earth, including the Austernals, the Raccoon People, the Deviates, and more. They were also responsible for the Asgardians being shipped down under and becoming the Ausgardians. Ancient pacts with the Celestians call for, at times, genetic obedience of these races, and though Donar has proven able to resist this before, it’s not a definite guarantee he can always break it.

    Mjalcom is Donar’s weapon, an enchanted baseball with a nail in it. Only someone worthy of it may wield it and gain the powers of the Thunder Hemi-God of Thunder, though at times the “Property of Donar” sticker has been removed to allow others (people that spring to mind include Lisa and Visionary) to wield it. To my knowledge, Gamma Ray Gary is the first to wield it while the sticker is intact.